I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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