Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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