i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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