someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dicks are not precious.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
