my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
