just come out here and I will go home with you...
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
