I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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