you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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