no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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