I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
