I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
