he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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