she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
