Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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