I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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