God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
