i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
