By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
