how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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