I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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