if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
