dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
