i would punch a child for taco bell
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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