OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
