you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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