wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
