i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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