Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
