Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
