So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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