Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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