last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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