I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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