NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
