we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
