sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
