im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
