I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
