ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
