I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
