I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
