You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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