He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
