So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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