somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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