I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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