So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
