Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
