My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just want nice things and good sex
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
