She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
