Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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