At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
